My Changed Relationship With Makeup
I feel this is so important and needs to be said. You do not need makeup to be beautiful. You do not need to be “pulled together”, “presentable, “made up”, “dolled up”, or any other phrase that basically boils down to more than your most natural self.
You are worthy without a speck of stuff on your face. You are also worthy with it on, if make up brings you joy then go ahead and do you. My point is that you do not NEED it to feel good or to be lovely.
I did not always feel this way. Hell, some days I still don’t feel this way. It has taken a lot of dismantling of old habits and old stories to get here.
Last year I got pink eye…twice….in a month. It was horrible. It was right around the time when I was having all of my digestion issues and basically felt like my body was failing me. When you get pink eye you have to sterilize all your makeup. IF you get it twice you basically need to trash all of it. I was told to avoid make up for a month. I was crushed because while I felt so sick I was lathering on foundation, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, eye liner, and mascara to feel better on the outside. Having to throw it all away gutted me because I felt that I looked as horrible as I felt.
When the month was up I rushed out and bought new stuff. The first time I put make up on I turned to my husband and said, “There, I am pretty again”. The second the words flew out of my mouth I froze. Pretty again? First of all, I am so much more than a pretty face…I am more than my looks. But the fact that I couldn’t recognize my own worth without makeup was pretty startling. As a teacher and a future mama I refuse to pass on the bullshit stories and negative talk that I had passed on to me. I plan to model self-love and appreciate myself as I am in whatever season of life that is.
So, over the summer I stopped using makeup. When we were in Spain I didn’t wear any, when we went out at night I didn’t touch the stuff. And when I looked at the pictures from that trip I hated them, I wanted my husband to delete them all, thankfully he doesn’t listen.
I told myself that when I got to a point where I didn’t feel the NEED to wear makeup I could explore using it when I wanted. It took me 5 months. Roughly 150 days, almost half a year, before I felt good enough as I am. First of all, I can see how fucked up that is. But most of all, I am grateful I did. Those five months let me focus on how happy I look when I smile, how I really like the color of my eyes, and how I needed to focus on a skin care routine so makeup wouldn’t need to cover up breakouts.
I wear mascara every now and then. And when we have events like weddings I will put on eye shadow. When I want to play with make-up, I do. But there is such a difference between want and need. I am so grateful that I lived with the discomfort for 5 months to learn to love and appreciate the face that stares back at me.